Five Rules The Girl Friend Should Follow

Yesterday when I wrote about wanting a girl friend in my life, I think I gave the impression I didn’t have any.

Not true.

I have a handful of girl friends; women who have held me down all in the name of friendship. Some of them are ex-girlfriends and some of them I tried to get with but failed and as it turns out, they were cool people anyway. Those who forced me into friendship because I wasn’t going to get anything else are also kind enough to let me believe things could happen later on down the line. Maybe. If I pray. A lot. But I digress…

But the thing I love most about my girl friends is how easy they make it easy for me to hang out with them and confide in them. How easygoing and drama free they are about most things when it comes to me. These girl friends play their role and they play it well, so it is under their influence I write up the five things I need to be friends with a girl.

YES, I NEED TO BE ATTRACTED TO HER

Yesterday I got a little heat from a couple of commentators who found my desire for an attractive girl friend deplorable. I understand why, but it’s like I said, I don’t think I want a girlfriend right now, but I do know I want my next girlfriend to be a girl friend first. Thus, I would like her to be fly. It’s really that simple. Besides, all my other current girl friends are attractive, why stop now? Any man knows what kind of doors open up when a pretty woman is by his side, so excuse me if I want the finest friends on the planet. I have parties to attend and other women to meet, so when I meet those women, I would like them to see the bar is set high, and there’s no greater indicator of that then when she meets my very pretty girl friend.

ALL DUTCH EVERYTHING

I’m the homie first and a gentlemen in emergencies only. In other words, putting myself in front of a moving vehicle to protect my girl friend? Absolutely. Footing the whole bill at dinner, especially when it wasn’t even my idea to go to the spot we’re eating at? Nonsense. Wanted to be treated like a lady? Find a boyfriend. Until then, I’m sorry, it’s just that I’m not used to pulling out chairs whenever I go out with my other friends.

SLEEP OVERS MUST BE ALLOWED, HER BED IS PREFERRED

Last week, I was locked out of my apartment for the night. I called up a friend of mine and asked her if I could crash until the morning when management would be in the office and get me in at a much cheaper rate than a locksmith. She welcomed me in with no hesitation, and I fell asleep on the couch while she tended to some work. When she was turnng in for the night, I tried to sleep in her much more comfortable bed. She shut that down. So, she gets two cool points for letting me crash at her spot, but one point taken away for treating me like Vince Vaughn in The Break-Up.

The thing about the bed is I know if the roles were reversed and she needed a place to crash, I would be a complete jerk for making her sleep on an air mattress or one of my couches. But, when my boys visit and stay with me, they get the air mattress or one of my couches. They don’t get the bed. So this is how it’s going down if I need to stay at another girl friend’s spot. I get to sleep above the covers with a throw blanket on top of me in the bed. None of this couch stuff unless when she stays with me, she’s going to willingly take the couch too.

LET A MAN BE A MAN

When I’m around my boys, we talk all kinds of smack about all kinds of things and frankly, a lot of is pretty unsavory. I mean, if trash talk was illegal, we would get locked up. Yes we say racist things and sexist things, but it’s cool because we know it’s just a bunch of jive we’re talking. We don’t mean all of it, just some of it, but who’s keeping a record? No one. The reason we enjoy conversations is because we know we don’t need to bite our tongue. So ladies, if a man starts talking a certain way around you and starts saying sexist, perverse things, let it slide (unless they’re directed at you, then you pump brakes on the conversation), because it’s a man’s way of saying he respects you the same way he respects his boys. And if that’s something you can’t hang with, you might need to find a new friend.

Remember, the key to a successful platonic relationship with the opposite sex is to treat him or her like they are the same sex.

NEVER TAKE THE POSSIBILITY OF SEX OR A RELATIONSHIP OFF THE TABLE

The kind of girl friend I get annoyed with the most, is the one who wants to tell me all the things we’re not doing and all the things we’re not going to be. Hey, if I make a move, and it’s not going down, fine, let me know and we’ll move along. But if I don’t make a move, don’t volunteer such useless information.

These days, I’m focused on being a friend first because it’s what I need most, but I’m really not into limited relationships. I understand the perils of crossing a line, but I think a lot of those dangers can be avoided if people didn’t get so swept up in spontaneous moments with each other. That’s the real problem. If I want something more than friendship, I’m going to communicate that clearly and not through some drunken, fun night together.

I mean, are we not friends? Can I not trust her to tell her how I feel about anything? If I can tell my girl friend about all the other girls out there in the world I want to hook up with, I should be able to tell her when that girl is her, and her response should not be, “It’ll never happen.” Just say, “Not now.” I’ll understand. Trust me. Just like we should never make strangers our partners, we should never befriend the kind of people we can’t grow old with. The girl friends I want are the girl friends who will be with me for life. Just like my boys.